you roll in and out of my life like the oceans relation to the shoreline. it wades out when the sun is at its peak and pulls in close when the moon lies low.
every morning, each new day, brings me new hope. from sleep to awakened reality, i open my eyes to the fresh morning light and realize another day brings me further away from you. time has a funny way of working like that...it makes things grow older, makes people grow wiser...it fades things into distant memories and i sometimes catch myself; when the man in the moon lies close enough so i could hear his secrets of the world...i scrunch my forehead racking through the inner most parts of my mind trying to remember. to remember each and every miniscule detail; from the very first time I cried in front of you because i was afraid to leave, to the last time we kissed by the book...a sense-like torture i put upon myself, because that very fine line between looking back, and realizing that's where it will stay gives me a certain satisfaction. call me a masochist, but i'd rather smile with a heavy heart than cry and sink into the heavy burden of a broken one. i only want to treat this with spuoonfuls of patience and optimism, and as hard as it is to swallow at times that is the only remedy. and as for my love; in incriments it is slowly fading and letting go along with everything else...
He works in very mysterious and dumbfounding ways but in faith I trust in Him.
groggyness hung heavy over my head one morning, from the sleep I just woke up from, or lack of moreso when my phone rang true. annoyance ran quick and I answered with a toxic hello. and a voice that bordered familiarity and undistinguished answered. asking who it was, due to the obvious and intentional avoidance of a caller id, he answered with a chuckle, "it's D." his voice that I heard everyday embedded itself into my memory permanently, but since then it's as if my ears learned to forget its easing tone. my stomach sank simultaneously with his reply...and I felt a little sick. maybe because I was still in bed while the afternoon sun was climbing to its peak, and my hunger was calling out. Or maybe because with unexpecting welcomes from the past, a rush of overwhelming pangs of emotion came pouring in. and after quick, hurried exchanges I was climbing out of bed disappointed. I sat still for a breath or two with my face in my hands and laughed at how easy I cowered at his invitation. his affective mess on my healing heart proved foolishness on my part and I got ready without looking at my reflection.
the familiar hum of his engine sat where it always did and I shook my head and laughed...walking to his car proved its awkwardness so I moreso sprinted to his car which I later regretted, along with small things throughout the day. everything felt so different yet so familiar. And so we filled the hallowness of his car with conversations of his trip to LA, my troubled household, and blasted trunk muzik returns. i was getting all too comfortable with the pace of our exchanges which I knew off the bat I shouldn't get used to so steadfast so I drew back. He had this new air to him that I couldn't quite get a hold of too; he looked the same, talked the same but the guy i used to know wasnt sitting beside me anymore. who was this perfect stranger? it threw me off guard like a sudden downpour on a sunny day. you arent quite equipped with an umbrella so you improvise with what you have. unavoidable flashbacks and memories were hard to shake off. from his hand clenching the gearshift, I remembered when those hands held mine so safe. and I buckled down hard and tried to suppress everything else throughout the remaining time. so we ate through lunch civil and proper. But the drive back tested me. something came over me and shrouded my entirety like a grey cloud hanging over my head. so I sat in silence and hid behind my hat and my "sleepyness." the aid of the choice of songs he decided to play out of his own free will brought me a little lower than I was when I was in his car earlier and I threw on a pathetic, half fast poker face that I hoped fooled him and myself as well. nearing my house, I straightened myself out and searched my bag for my keys, and the halt of the car made me nervous. So I turned to him, and gave him a hug that I soon regretted and ran back into my house. and as soon as I got in, I fell into the deepest of sleeps.
